tagboard
Deux Jambon said:
Right, I'm back. Again. Fooj said:
Loads of new photos upload, new blog update coming soon... mibbe. Fuji said:
Another update today (only two weeks since the last, must be a record). Added a last.fm widget so you can admire my superior music taste (dunno if it auto-updates, mind you), and finally added photos and pictures to that page. Have fun, kids. Foojie-Woojie said:
Glaswegian off-sales... is there anything they DON'T have? I submit that there is not. Deux Jambon said:
Well, that's that done innit. Time for another few months of mindless debauchery. CyberFooj said:
A difficult decision for Saturday: go to Bedlam, or have Liz come stay here after work and have mad passion at 4am? Hang on, that's not really a difficult decision. Fooj said:
Get five normally mild-mannered geeks into a room and then put Wii Boxing on, and watch as twenty years of unused testosterone unfolds before your eyes. RIP HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF. Fuji said:
And thus begins the slow process of opening up to a girl woman while trying to not scare her away at the same time, without having to omit troofax or lie outright. I don't know if I can remember how to. Fuji said:
I truly miss Raul Julia. He brought so much joy into my life. Fuji said:
Dairy Man, Dairy Man, loves the things that dairy can... |
|
fooj's blogthe latest diatribe of drivel...
it's been a long time coming
Entry #20
Jesus Christ. What a fucking time it's been since my last update in... what, February? Okay there's been minor updates on the tagboard but they don't really count. Could think of them as having been a sneak preview.
So a lot's happened. I have a flat. I'm moving to my third job in eight months in a weeks time. I've finished jokes of relationships with three successive women, or had them finished for me. I've participated in manlove. I've finished my apothesis into a cybergoth. I've grown apart from some people I once thought of as really good friends, but closer to others I never thought liked me all that much.
So, let's take it step by step, shall we? Roughly chronological order, but there's obviously some crossover...
siobhan
Jesus Christ, am I glad to be shot of her. After I came back in February from seeing her in Brum (ooh, for a whole night and day, fucking wonderful) she chucked me within a few days, but we made up again - but she'd played her hand, she knew she didn't want me and I probably knew we weren't right for each other anymore (especially with my ascending into cybergothdom) but I refused to see it. I still worshipped that woman, fuck knows why. She dropped enough hints.
Anyway, she came up in March to see her nana who was ill, so she came to see me for a bit. I tried to deliver an ultimatum to her - me or that knuckle-dragging neanderthal Ryan - but she managed to worm her way out of it the way she always did. 'Oh but I need sex', yeah, yet I managed without while we were apart. Why didn't I see it sooner?
Finished properly a few months after that. We were just fighting all the time, hardly a civil word between us, and it just deteriorated until the point where she told me 'the thought of sex with you no longer excites me'. Dumped because someone else fulfills her perversions better. You have no idea how much that helped me cope - I could easily just find refuge in hate and dispassion, which I duly did.
I cut her off completley. Sure, I tried to keep friendly with her for a while but it just didn't happen. Then she was trying to give me the 'i do still love you but i'm trying to be sensible' routine, which is fair enough BUT... she knew from day one I can't stay friends with an ex. She has always known that. I couldn't deal with her not being a bitch about it so I basically talked her into blocking me and cutting me off. Fuck doing it myself, I couldn't play victim then could I? She can do her own dirty work.
I don't even feel anything for her. I deleted all the photos I had of her, still got two hardcopy ones, and a load of shit she gave me and quotes.txt entries but... that doesn't seem to affect me. Sometimes I miss her... well, not her, but what she was to me. What I had with her before it all went tits-up faster than Boris Yeiltsin on a mai-tai.
So, a part of my life I'm glad to be done with.
tchibo
So, I finally got a 'real' job with BeCogent on the Tchibo project - think John Lewis or somesuch catalog bollocks but German and faux-eclectic.
It was alright for the six months it lasted. I met some decent people, some arseholes too... actually, mainly arseholes. Loud-mouthed cunts, bitchy middle-aged bints with a 'i've got a womb so i'm right complex', wee pseudo-ned bams... you know the drill. Few people got sacked over time, mostly deservedly so, but I was dissapointed to see Phil go purely on the basis of timekeeping and abscence. But, he knew the score, much as the score is a load of shit.
I did quite enjoy it at times I guess, when I was getting to do more than just answer phones - y'know, being the one to deal with the complex stuff like debt collection referrals that no-one else could get their head around. But did I really get any appreciation? Okay, I got Agent of the Month once but... nah, no-one else fucking cared in that place. It's disgusting how that happens in customer service jobs... it's all a bit paradoxical.
And I'll always have my fond memories of the best moments of raging customers. Like hanging up on some American woman for making an anti-English remark because 'sorry ma'am, but I'm not here to tolerate racism'. Fucking yaldi.
Just a pity I've fallen out of contact with some people I did work with on it, but I guess that just proves I'm not really socially endurable, only when people have no choice but to put up with me. It's an experience learning the difference between work acquantinces and real friends.
govan: the return
Moved out as well in April. To Govan, again. Same bloody close as well - I'm in the flat above where I used to stay with... -her- (haha, SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!). It's quite nice - white goods included, but lacks central heating - but it's well enough decorated and only 325 pcm.
Just renewed the lease this month for another 6 months and... well, I've been coping well enough. I do still owe the mother 700 quid she lent me to pay the deposit and first months rent in advance. I knew if I tried to save I'd never do it, I'd just spend, so the only way to actually get moved out was just to do it and struggle with it. Still get the family bitching at me to get a council house, but the way I see it... I can afford private, so why should I take something that people need more than me? 'Oh but thats not what other people do'. FUCK other people, what would I be without my principles, eh? Nothing but (more) of a shell of a man.
kim
So, Kim... next woman on the list after Siobhan (well, actually, it was a woman called Hayley but that was a one-night stand basically, so I didn't lose too much sleep over it).
Anyway. I'd met her at Bedlam and put my moves on her (i.e. making her take pity on me - remember, pity sex is still sex) so... ended up at Ian's place (some random Bedlamer, alright guy) with her, Random John (guy I know from GW, also a Bedlam/Cryo sort) and her cousin, uh... Ashleigh? It isn't spelt that way but it sounds that way, who knows. It was a bit of a laugh getting there cos we ended up at someone elses, turned back, ended up at his. Got to see V for Vendetta for the first time (with Kim sleeping on my lap most of the night... that was fun) and was heartily impressed. I always expected that movie to be crap because it was from the same guys who did the Matrix trilogy but I was pleasantly surprised... very cyberpunk and V is an excellent character. But I digress.
Was seeing Kim for a while, it was... basically just sex. Okay, she put up with me socially and so on but... she's an odd one. Well not odd, just one of those people who when they say they dislike people and are quite cruel to them actually IS, rather than just trying to look big for their friends or whatever. Also as a consequence of seeing her I ended up starting to listen to a lot of music I'd disregarded for years... Linkin Park, Green Day, Offspring, SOAD and so on, all that teenager alternarock crap I'd given up on when I was sixteen. To be honest I think I'd only given up on it mostly out of fear for Siobhan losing respect for me because of it (which she did, because we were still talking when I started seeing Kim), but I had no reason to care about that by this point, did I?
Anyway, at the end of it all... I tried postulating the idea of me and her going out properly because I did actually like Kim enough for that, to make a go of something (she's a geek, despite how she denies it. Personally I don't see what's uncool about geekery). But she doesn't see me that way, and I made a bit of a cock-up of it so she ended up not liking me at all anymore - nowadays she just blanks me at Bedlam and so on. Ashleigh still talks to me despite clearly hating my guts for the shit with Kim (and because I'm an arse, let's be honest), but it always comes out really forced.
Who needs friends anyway? I've got my inflated ego to keep me company.
to tread the path of the cybergoth
So it was around that time as well that I finally gave in to certain repressed urges... my little goff instincts finally came to the fore again.
It's weird how it works for me now. It... I'm still basically going out of my way to get noticed, to get attention, but now... rather than it being for attentions sake it is out of a genuine love of the aesthetic and a kind of... I dunno, target image I'm going for. Like I've read and played far too much cyberpunk stuff that I'm actually trying to mimic it in real life.
The former is the most important factor of course: I think I just got sick of looking so boring during my metal/neofolk phase (I blame Siobhan, damn ginger doomy influence), so I'm redressing the balance by looking completley crazy with what I wear, makeup, hair (real and fake) and so on. I've become a total peacock now - I'm in fucking full apothesis these days - and to be honest it is fun. I do get complimented and noticed at the Cathouse, Cryo or Bedlam (usually)... and if not for how I look, then also for the silly goff danc-... flailing.
But more on that another time I think, cos I could go on about it forever...
random woman phase
So, part of the reason me and Kim finished was me being a pathetic bastard and getting attached to immaterial women. Don't ask me why I did it... I think it's because I suffer so much from Magpie Syndrome with people. I meet someone and think they're really great for a bit, then it just wanes... and I've ended up commiting myself to things and saying stuff I don't really feel. So I end up hurting people and feeling like even more of a pathetic cunt.
There've been several, but I'm not naming names. Shortly put though, it's been wrong and yet I still continue... I just feel the urge too strongly to open up to women and try to... oh who knows. I'm just so fucking desperate since I split with Siobhan, and it only REALLY kicked in when I lost Kim as well due to my own mistakes. So I drift from person to person, never managing to really make friends for long, just new enemies once I move on to the next shiny thing or piece of be-breasticled meat.
I should really stop, but I have so few friends in 'the real' these days, coupled wih my inability to break the ice with women in said reality... don't think I will.
liz
Ah, Liz. Latest in the long line of women I've fucked things up with and made myself feel like shit for.
Met her at Bedlam, but I was apprehensive at first as she's the ex of my friend Ruridh... and they live together. Odd? Yes, but I didn't care at the time because I was so fucking instantly attracted to her. Geeky, amazing body, good aesthetic, intelligent conversationalist... you know how it is. My heart fucking jumped. Oh, where would I be without hyperbole?
So I made some subtle hints that weren't really so subtle til she said she might've been interested... she came to mine and it just went from there. And no, we didn't have sex the first time. Only once, after about a month.
And that's where it all went wrong.
Y'see, Liz wasn't really the kind of person who was after a serious relationship. I was, and am, because it's simply who I am to want to be commited to one person and be... y'know, all that soppy crap. So we were 'seeing each other', whatever that means in woman-speak, and I was okay with it. At least I pretended to be. I was always really uncomfortable with the idea, and Liz knew it - I was constantly bitching and whinging at her about it, and why she wouldn't just say we were going out because thats what it felt like to me. And she had promised me she wouldn't see anyone else, so, y'know, I was a tad confused.
Anyway, as soon as we had slept together (which, as much as I shouldn't dwell on it, was fucking brilliant) it all started going downhill. All of a sudden things would always come up, she would always be busy, never have any credit to text me, et cetera, et cetera. Now I know she was a busy woman, she had a lot of other commitments and really put a lot into her job, but... it was too much of a fucking coincidence.
I scared her off, I can see that now. The night we... ahaha, conjoined, she was talking about how she wanted to move to the States next year and I freaked. I mean, seriously, borderline-psychotic freaked out. I was so afraid of losing her because... well, I was -really- into her. It felt like it did with Siobhan, the way I had respected her and held her in higher regard than most people.
And also the way I put myself through Hell just for her.
Thus followed a month of her always breaking things off and so on, and me getting progressivley more and more worried, but she always tried to reassure me. Meaningless, I see now - she just wanted me off her back, fucking weird little psycho that I am. But I swallowed it all just because I wanted her that badly to be with me.
Eventually, I had broken it off with her because of one of my e-flings, but... I realised that had been a mistake (it was done out of weakness, and my despair at Liz not wanting to date me properly). Liz, however, started telling me she didn't have time to give me what I needed so we should just leave it at that and 'still be friends'. I'd just given her the excuse she needed to get rid of me.
And as for still friends? Well, do friends ignore each other for fucking weeks on end? Excuses about having to work, go to roller derby and lacking credit only stretch so fucking far. And as for me, why didn't I contact her? How could I - I felt far too awkward, I didn't know what to say to her, and I was still madly longing for her. So I bit my tongue because I knew I'd say or do something stupid.
Which seemed to suit her fine. Bedlam, last night, she totally blanked me. I wasn't expecting her to really talk to me, but she didn't even make eye contact or mutter a hello or anything. Sure, I'd told her I'd have had problems talking to her and she might have been being considerate of that, but you know what... I've had enough of her excuses whether they're genuine or not - if I were to continue accepting them I'd just be putting myself through Hell AGAIN, and I won't let that happen. If she won't give me the time of day she isn't worth it, and maybe if I keep telling myself that I'll believe it. I just want all this to go away, I know I'll get over it with time but that time is something I can't endure, so bad does it hurt. It's that way of when you look at someone you want so badly, knowing you can never have them, that your entire body turns in on itself with a mix of shame and anger. Because let's face it, it was all my fault, the same way it was with Siobhan.
I texted her once I left and told her that if she still thought we were friends, we certainly weren't now and she was never to speak to me from now. Not that she hadn't already made that decision but reinforcing it makes it clear in my mind.
Not that she cares. Looks like she's got a new fling anyway. Guess she found someone who isn't a creepy bastard, who can accept that you can see someone without it being a full-on serious relationship.
I just hope Ridh doesn't ask me any awkward questions about why I won't see him or her when they're both around at the same time - which is always. I've never seen a guy so clearly still in love with someone he can't have.
Except me, of course.
now...
I'm a fucking wreck. I've landed a new, decent-looking job, got my own place and have a small cadre of decent enough friends. I've reached a place image-wise where I'm happy. But I'm so desperatley fucking lonely that I drive everyone who tries to help me off by being so doomy, and scare every woman away with my clingy, needy, neurotic bollocks.
What have I become? Excuse the melodrama, but that's how I feel.
That's enough depressing bollocks for now. Peace.
Mood of the day: stressed
Music of the moment: the wailing of Tiscali customers
previously on fuji-online.org...Entry #19 (can't. be. arsed.)
Entry #18 (I'm still here)
Entry #17 (i've been here the whole time..)
Entry #16 (and about time too!)
Entry #15 (holy shit, comicry!)
Entry #14 (stick figure fun, and shito-ryu)
Entry #13 (obligatory funtime)
Entry #12 (halo: still sucks)
Entry #11 (melodramatic whinging, part the first)
Entry #10 (...)
Entry #9 (deus foojie invictus)
Entry #8 (ye ancient citie of londinium... and space marines!)
Entry #7 (link! wii! solid snake!)
Entry #6 (weak dollar equals win)
Entry #5 (ah, british politics)
Entry #4 (behold, my home network)
Entry #3 (mod ur base)
Entry #2 (first real update. glee!)
Entry #1 (welcome, my identical scientist buddies!)
<random_hero> pizza ETA : 20:00
<dwfuji> Haha.
<dwfuji> GET ME THE PRESIDNET
<dwfuji> WE NEED SALAMI
<dwfuji> REPEAT, SALAMI
|
|
